Esquire Theme by Matthew Buchanan
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It Is All Blurry Under Water

I shouted to him from the kitchen, “Baby, come see what I got!” The overall feeling in our home had been quiet, dark and defeated more often than not since November. We had both lost any control of our lives and felt like marionettes with painted smiles and empty eyes. We had overcome more struggles than a couple this young in love and until now, things hadn’t quite ever looked up.


I waved the hair away from my eyes with the black and white photo in my fingers. This I was sure, would be a necessary gift to him. Our creation of a baby was never intentional but once it happened we happily watched our imaginations wander. In his future he saw pigtails and pink, in mine a handsome little prince and skinned knees. We desperately needed something to look forward to.  His car keys and wallet sat on the counter and the dogs played on the deck- he was home. “Baby, I have a surprise” I started to say to him while I hurried down the hall.


The bathroom door was shut but the light was on. I tapped on the glass while sliding the door aside. “Did you hear me?” I asked the back of his head, peeking out from the porcelain bath.  My feet stepped onto the plush rug next to the tub and it was then I noticed the dark water that surrounded his body. His eyes were closed shut and he looked only as if he were trapped in pleasant thoughts. I didn’t realize that I had stopped breathing until from inside of me the baby began to feverishly kick, something it would always do in response to it’s father’s voice. I clung to the edge of the tub and heard my voice, as if I were speaking from far away, another room, a different place entirely. Pleading to no one, “come back, come back. You can’t go yet- you can’t leave me here”. I reached for his hands and held his warm, heavy body to mine. His hair was wet and his mouth was open as if he had something to say but no breath, no words would come.


No tears fell from my eyes, they only pooled at the corners until everything the light touched was a blur of colors and shapes. I unbuttoned my blouse and let it slide over my shoulders to the floor. The zip of my pants echoed in an otherwise silent room. I stepped my foot out of them and into the water. Still warm, I lay my body next to his and let the water cover me like a thick blanket. I traced my fingers over his chest, the place I had laid my head to sleep every night since we’d met. He felt the same to me but he was no longer the man I loved, the man I knew. The frame was identical but nothing was housed inside. He was a shell. I held onto his waist, as if someone threatened to take him away if I loosened my hold.


The water was eerily still except for the slight ripples caused by the life inside of me. This is as close to her father as she would ever be.


-“She” I whispered, “That is what I wanted to tell you.”